HUMOUR ZONE

HUMOUR ZONE : The Jokes Of Life

2009-12-31T23:59:00.001+05:30

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

FUNNY JOKES AND TALES

FUNNY TALES FROM INDIA

MARRIAGE JOKES

DIVORCE JOKES

FUNNY TALES OF PRIESTS

Puzzled Doctor: A Strange Case of a Pregnant Actress

2009-09-20T19:50:00.001+05:30

A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she says to the doctor, "Doc, do me a favor. Tell me what color the baby is, as it is being born."

The doctor is understandably a little puzzled at this novel query. "Why do you want to know what color the child is going to be?"

"Well", says the woman, "The problem is that I'm a porno actress and the child was conceived during making of a very hot film. I have no clear idea who the father is."

"OK", says the doctor, "I'll do it for you but it is most unusual." The baby begins to be born and the doctor says, "Here comes the head, it seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted.

Was one of the actors Chinese?" The doctor assumed.
"Yes, doctor he was," Says the woman.

"Wait", says the doctor, "the chest and arms are out and they seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black?"

"Yes, doctor he was."

"Wait, now the legs are out and they're brown. Was one of the actors Asian?"

"Yes, doctor he was."

So the doctor pulls the baby free and gives it the traditional slap on the back. The baby lets out a healthy human crying.

"Oh, thank God for that," says the woman. She winked at the doctor who was still not our of the puzzle zone. The woman pressed her lips and said to the doctor, "Thank God, the baby is crying. For a moment, I had expected it to bark!"

RETIRED MEN'S LIFE : LIVING IN A PAVILION

2009-03-14T23:55:00.000+05:30

Author : Naval Langa

I have heard a proverb. Think before you speak and consult an old man before you write. So before I started writing this article I had tried to consult men and women above fifty. I can find many men. I am yet to hear from a lady above fifty.

Well. If our life is a curve, first rising and then falling, then we, the men and women in fifties, are on the wrong side of it—the slope side. And mind well, every slope is dangerous. Before two days I met one of my friends in garden, flinging his newly purchased stick. I asked him, ''How do you really feel? I mean you're 57. Tell me honestly.''

''Honestly, I feel like a newborn baby. I've got no hair, I have no teeth, and I just start crying without reason.'' That must be the trademark of this group of gentlemen and gentle women, not the crying in fact but speaking about everything with high profile anger. However you don’t need be extra talented for knowing your age. When the hair start thinning, teeth start falling, and the ladies start trusting you, then you have past fifty: take it granted.

I always keep phone diary. Pink colour. In our ancient immobile days (when there was no mobile phones), I sometimes forgot my money wallet, but never the tele-diary. You cannot call a friend with currency notes in your pocket. But you can manage borrowing, in case of need, if you have your friends’ numbers in hand. So still I keep a small diary, 1981 model. But its contents have drastically changed now. Before ten years there were names starting with Mr. or Mrs. and even Miss. (It was the time, yaar.) Now most of the diarised numbers are well qualified, but ending with MD and MBBS. (Image Courtesy Wikimedia Commons)

OLD PEOPLE: Narrating Humour in Life

2009-03-14T23:50:00.000+05:30

The plus fifty-ness is a plate, full of hard nuts. The real blows are on dining table. I hate remembering adoctor, especially when I am in front of a delicious plate. In fact I compare the pool of doctors with the airline companies: we give them business and they take us for a ride. Once I asked my doctor about the food I should be careful about. He said, “Put anything on your tongue, and if it tastes good, spit it out.”

The diet restrictions make me crazy. It has closed down all the sweet shops in the city. When such shop passes by the window of my car, I feel what Majanoo would have been feeling while Laila’s Barrat might be going away.

Another enemy is time. Passing the time is a grave management issue. As I have retired prematurely, I pass time in reading. Blogging is the latest disease I have acquired through Internet. I read too much. And hence I believe that I can help people by providing useful stock of advices. But no one asks for my advice. Every one, my young entrepreneur son, educated daughters, and my fixed-deposits-wealthy wife had passed the phase wherein they needed me. While at home, I feel like I am sitting on a municipal garbage container and the whole traffic goes on without looking at me.

Wise people say that, “Forgive, forget and be happy.” The forgiving is not my problem; people have forgiven me for whatever I had done in and out of my office premises. But the forgetting is the real foe. Today I was standing at the top of stairs, and I failed to remember whether I had come up or I was about to go down. The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I could not decide whether I was going to sleep or I had just woken up. “Do you remember it’s a pension day?” My life shot at me, and I recalled that it must be morning.

But for the men and women, if any, in fifties, there is nothing to worry about. For them I would cite the example of one of our evening-walk friends. Mr. Replacement, it is his nickname. He is a model man. He has got most of his body parts replaced. He has new cornea in left eye; a brand new knee fitted in right leg; and Ben Kingsly type denture. He charismatically wears golden frame glasses and a wig made from the hair of a black goat. And he is going to replace his heart’s valve, too. But the gentle man’s mind-machine is still in working condition, running condition at 83. Before twenty years his family doctor had told him to renounce the love forsugar and all other sugary things. He did not. Since then his three family doctors have died and he is not-out with all his replacements. (Image Courtesy Wikimedia Commons)

Joke of Two Drunkards and Wheel Chair

2009-03-13T23:55:00.001+05:30

drunkards 2
Originally uploaded by globevisions

Theme: The helping drunkard sees no the real position of the other drunkards...!!!

Homeless drunkard

sleep in a New York City's street

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

OTHER JOKES OF DRUNKARD OR WHO HAVE TAKEN MUCH ALCHOHOL

A TALE OF TWO DRUNKARDS

Two Drunkards and Legacy

2009-03-13T23:50:00.000+05:30

two drunkards I photographed

Originally uploaded by xniamhx

Theme: a Tale of Two Drunkards.

A man, after emptying his bottle, sees a friend sitting just before him with support of the opposite wall.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

FUNNY CHINESE DOCTOR

2009-03-12T23:55:00.002+05:30

Theme: Chinese Humour, Chinese Funny Doctor

A rich man often went to Bangkok for the night life and before long he contracted sexual disease. So one day, he went to the doctor for a checkup.

The doctor examine his private part and said, "This is a very severe case. We have no other way but to cut it away. otherwise, it will spread and become worse."

The businessman was shocked. the last thing he wanted was to have it cut and end his night life. He went to other doctors but all gave the same diagnosis.

Desperate he thought, "Why don't I consult traditional Chinese medicine. They might have some surprises"

So, the Chinese doctor gave him an examination and the doctor said," We don't have to cut. I'll give you herbs to rub."

The rich man was so happy. "Wow no operation, you are better than western medicine. I'm amazed, So what is the exact secret?"

The Chinese doctor said, "Just wait for three days. It will drop by itself."

OTHER CHINESE JOKES

THE STRANGE PREGNANCY TEST

How The Nurses Entered Heaven

2009-01-05T23:55:00.003+05:30

Theme: Nurses, Heavens, Patients, and Cashiers

Once it happened that three nurses went to heaven. They were waiting their turn to plead their case to St. Peter to enter the gates of the heaven.

The first nurse argued: "I was in charge of an emergency room. I tried my best to help patients, but occasionally I did lose one. I think I should get entry into heaven."

St. Peter looks at her file and decides to admit her to heaven.

It was now the second nurse, who argued: " I worked in very high stress environment and we do our best. I was in operation theatre department. Sometimes the patients are so sick that we fail to save them, but overall we always try very hard."

St. Peter checks her record and decided in favour of her.

The last nurse argued: "I was in cash department.”

St. Peter looks curiously into her file. He took a calculator and started calculating, often going back to her file. After a long time St. Peter looked at her. He said smilingly that: "You are fortunate, sister ! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!" (Image Courtesy Wikimedia Commons)

*******

THREE NURSES

Three nurses worked in the same office with the same female doctor boss. Everyday, they noticed that their boss left dispensary earlier. One day, the nurses decided that, when the lady boss left, they would leave right behind her. Because she never returned to work, so she would not know who left work before the scheduled time.

The nurse 1 was thrilled to be home early. She heard music of her choice and went to bed before time. The nurse 2 spent the time in making her hair done before meeting her boyfriend on a dinner date. The nurse 3 reached happily at her home. She thought her husband would greet her with pleasure. On hearing a known voice, she got to her bedroom. But she found her boss sleeping with her husband. Fearful she became, but gently, she closed the door and ran back to her place of job.crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, nurse 1 and 2 were planning to leave early again, and they asked the nurse 3. Nurse 3 replied "Aww nooo... I do not want to be caught again. like yesterday."

Get Well Soon: From a Nurse

2009-01-05T23:50:00.000+05:30

Theme: Nurses are one of the best servents of the society.

It is not easy to be a cop. You will have to face strange types of odds while you are on the job or off the job. A motorcycle cop got problems in his stomach. He was immediately was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

A COP ON DUTY

(Image courtesy Wikimedia Commons)

The doctors in their static monotony operated out the cause of his illness. They advised him to take rest and said that all was well. In spite of doctor’s assurance about ‘All is well’, the cop kept feeling something wrong. He felt like pulling at the hairs on his chest. He had a protected jungle of hair on his chest. He worried that it might be a second surgery. And doctors might have not told him.

Ensuring about what is the real reason of the trouble he finally pull down his hospital gown. There he found three long strips of adhesive tape. They were quite unnecessary and painfully sticky.

When he could read what was written on one of the tap, he reminded the smiling face of one of the nurses.

On the sticky tape this was written: "Get well soon, you man with a skick! Luv, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!"

FUNNY TALES OF MARRIED PEOPLE and Funny Wedding Photo

2009-01-04T23:59:00.003+05:30

Funny Wedding Photo
Originally uploaded by weddingssc2

YOU ARE MY BAD LUCK, HONEY.

A fashion designer Rosa's husband remained in hospital for two weeks, he had been slipping in and out of coma for all the days. But Rosa stayed well by his bedside. When he was quite well, he called her nearer and tried talking with deep thinking.

"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times", he said. "When I lost the job, you were there supporting me. When my business ruined, you were with me. And on the day I was shot at, you were by my side. "

"Aww my dear, I love you." She was passionate.

"You know what is is the fact?" He asked her while passing hand on his trendy jeans.

"What dear?" She spoke gently.

"I think your being with me always brings me bad luck."

OTHER JOKES ABOUT MARRIED PEOPLE

I AM MARRIED AND HAPPY : IT'S NOT A JOKE

MARRIAGE : THE ROAD WHERE YOU WILL HAVE TO DRIVE CAREFULLY

MARRIED LIFE IS HEAVEN : BUT DON'T BE CARRIED AWAY BY SLOGANS

MARRIAD LIFE: CHASING A BLACK CAT IN A DARK ROOM !!!

DIFINING THE WORD 'MARRIAGE'

MARRIAGE: AN EXPRESS HIGHWAY, THE MOTORWAY LEADING TO A POINT OF NO RETURN

ARE YOU ARRIED : BE AWARE OF THE SLOGANS

FUNNY TALES OF MARRIED PEOPLE

2009-01-04T23:55:00.002+05:30

I AM MARRIED AND HAPPY : IT'S NOT A JOKE

MARRIAGE : THE ROAD WHERE YOU WILL HAVE TO DRIVE CAREFULLY

MARRIED LIFE IS HEAVEN : BUT DON'T BE CARRIED AWAY BY SLOGANS

MARRIAD LIFE: CHASING A BLACK CAT IN A DARK ROOM !!!

DIFINING THE WORD 'MARRIAGE'

MARRIAGE: AN EXPRESS HIGHWAY, THE MOTORWAY LEADING TO A POINT OF NO RETURN

ARE YOU ARRIED : BE AWARE OF THE SLOGANS

I AM MARRIED AND HAPPY : IT'S NOT A JOKE

2009-01-04T23:50:00.000+05:30

Happiness is the thing we want to steal from every corner of our life. We run behind it. A beggar and Mukesh Ambani run with equal fever to be happy. But we really do not know what the happiness is. I too did not know. But once I got married, I came to know on very next day that what the happiness was. But then it was too late. The train had left the platform and I was open to all the vagaries of weather. To day I earnestly believe that my marriage was the triumph of my imaginations over my intelligence. I had imagined a heaven on the earth. I doubt, now, that I might have been mentally unstable in those days.

Being a topper in college examinations, I had sincerely believed that I was a wise me, a man without an iota of foolishness. But that was my perfect illusion, as I was unaware that there was a splendid fool in me. I was to be proved as one of the greatest fools in the world. The accident occured : I met a woman. She was so intelligent that during our long love affair, she did not let me know about my unwise illusions, until we signed the marriage bond. The ladies are good at keeping secrets, you know. She kept telling me that I was a man of no fault. And when the first month of our marriage was over, she found out a truckload of faults in me. While tearing a page from daily calendar, she would find out a fresh defect in me. Had I not been married, I would have never known how irresponsible, irregular, rude, immodest, and ignorant I was. These are the adjectives I have earned during the first month of my married spell. Continue Reading>>>>

MARRIAGE : THE ROAD WHERE YOU WILL HAVE TO DRIVE CAREFULLY

2009-01-04T23:45:00.001+05:30

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. But my Venus, the Goddess of love, my wife, runs with the hands of clock.

She remains on her hectic schedule every morning. She wouldn’t sit for a nano second until she gets control over her seat and the driving-wheel of our still-jointly-owned car. On the way to her office, she drops me on an unguarded square, near the Palace Garden. I would pleasantly depart and say 'bye'. Keeping her right hand on the steering, she, too, would wave her wrong hand at me, in a manner as if she is writing off my file for a day.

ARE YOU MARRIED? DON'T BE CARRIED AWAY BY THE SLOGANS

2009-01-04T23:45:00.000+05:30

AUTHOR : NAVAL LANGA

The partners in marriage are selected in heaven : that is what I have heard. But after my marriage, I have cultivated a strong belief that in heaven, too, everything is not OK. They do make mistakes in selection.

I remember how one of my advocate friends was helping her client. She is a senior advocate and practices in matrimonial and criminal side. So whenever a case of her side comes to me, I refer the clients to her. So she had a client before her. The client was desirous to sue her husband under section 125. We refer to the sections only when we talk about the criminals. By the way the section 125 of CrPC applies when a man woman demands maintenance from her husband.

So the senior lady advocate was asking her client woman, while sitting in a proper human environment.

“What have you lost?”

“I lost my four years of life: I washed his house, I cleaned his floors, I cooked for him.”

“You should demand pay for the same.” The lady advocate was bold.

“Madame, I lost my sleep, I lost my peace of mind in the process of being happy with him.”

“Okay, Anything you lost in the process?”

“My virginity, Madame.” CONTINUE READING>>>>

MARRIED LIFE IS HEAVEN : BUT DON'T BE CARRIED AWAY BY THE SLOGANS

2009-01-04T23:40:00.000+05:30

So the senior lady advocate was asking her client woman, while sitting in a proper human environment.

“What have you lost?”

“I lost my four years of life: I washed his house, I cleaned his floors, I cooked for him.”

“You should demand pay for the same.” The lady advocate was bold.

“Madame, I lost my sleep, I lost my peace of mind in the process of being happy with him.”

“Okay, Anything you lost in the process?”

“My virginity, Madame.”

Since this incidence I have stopped referring cases to any other advocate. Nor I do entertain the family matters. Because I strongly believe that a person, who has still not solved his own family matters, should not get involved in any other’s family matters.

I strongly believe that getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. First you order what you want. And then your eyes wander from plate to plate of the other diners. Once you start eating your plate, you start thinking that you should have ordered the plate the other person is having on his table..

My personal life is a carriage that is full with marrital agonies.

Once we were on railway platform of Banaras, during my first ever religious tour. We were travelling since a week. By that time my wife had been quite displeased for outward display of my beliefs about Gods and Goddesses. And by that time she had realised that she was not in a good company.

Though she holds her own concepts about her three decades plus long company with me. But at that moment her face showed clear disregard for the lack of religious flavour in my character. And as being an authentic person, she was showing the entire stock of that displeasure all over her face, mainly on her nose.

I was moved. I could not see that. The element of displeasure did not match with her rosy face. So for making the atmosphere lighter, I asked her, “Why the train is so late today, Madame?”

“Why are you asking me? Am I serving in the railways?”* That was the bombshell. The rose was angry at every petal.

(* This is real life experience of mine, ours. And when I had heard these gunshot words, there was tea in my mouth. And due to the shock, and a subsequent coughing, a better part of the tea had gone into my nose.)

Now a days my wife is undergoing a special care project that she has devised for me. And the reason is that our family doctor has hinted that I might suffer health hazards, if I do not care about my diet.

The plus fifty-ness is a plate, full of hard nuts. The real blows are on dining table. My wife reminds me what the doctor has told me. I hate remembering a doctor, especially when I am in front of a delicious plate. In fact I compare the pool of doctors with the airline companies: we give them business and they take us for a ride.

Once I had asked my doctor about the food I should be careful about.
He said, “Put anything on your tongue, and if it tastes good, spit it out.”

But the recent diet restrictions make me crazy. It has virtually closed down all the shops selling sweets in the city. When such shop passes by the window of my car, I feel like what Majanoo would have been feeling while Laila’s Barrat might be going away.

On my wife's admant insistence on the simple diet, and being much fed up, ultimately one day I told her that, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

She did not reacted sharly as usual. Instead she smiled and replied, "Yes, dear, I knew you were. But I was in love and failed to notice that."

MARRIAD LIFE: CHASING A BLACK CAT IN A DARK ROOM !!!

2009-01-04T23:35:00.002+05:30

Author : Naval Langa

Happiness is the thing we want to steal from every corner of our life. We run behind it.

A beggar and Mukesh Ambani run with equal fever to be happy. But we really do not know

what the happiness is. I too did not know. But once I got married, I came to know on very next day that what the happiness was.

But then it was too late.

The train had left the platform and I was open to all the vagaries of weather.

To day I earnestly believe that my marriage was the triumph of my imaginations over my intelligence.

I had imagined a heaven on the earth. I doubt, now, that I might have been mentally unstable in those days.

The ladies are good at keeping secrets, you know. She kept telling me that I was a man of no fault. And when the first month of our marriage was over, she found out a truckload of faults in me. While tearing a page from daily calendar, she would find out a fresh defect in me. Had I not been married, I would have never known how irresponsible, irregular, rude, immodest, and ignorant I was. These are the adjectives I have earned during the first month of my married spell.

As a banker, at that time, I knew the value of savings. I professed the importance of the same among the others, too. But after my marriage, the savings is the last thing I can imagine about. Till today I can’t understand that the simple tasks like cooking for two, washing the floor once in a week, and using a washing machine twice in a week could be so costly. Had I done these tasks myself, I would have been at least a millionaire today.

For those of you who still are unmarried, I would tell one hard fact that all the women are supposed to be more or less sharp minded. But sad it is to reveal that my wife is painfully sharp.

Sometimes she uses her mind power in taking revenge on me, too. After all a woman’s wisdom is to use it against her husband; otherwise what is the use of her being so intelligent? So in my fare lady’s case, especially when we go to functions and parties, she sometimes wears her wedding ring in a wrong finger. And she keeps that finger so accessible to everyone’s eyes that one has to try hard not to look at it. When someone notices it, she feels enormously good. On any one’s asking that why she has her ring in a wrong finger, she would say that, “Yes, I wear it in wrong finger because I have married a wrong man.” And then all of a sudden all people’s eyes would turn on the wrong man.

I was married before thirty-three years. My marriage and myself are still alive, unbroken. And I know my wife is happy with her marriage with me; she has so many reasons to be happy.

But, irrespective of all the cyclones and tornados I have faced in my life, I still love my wife as I loved her before our marriage.

I have a special reason to love her.

I believe that real happiness is not in looking at your spouse’s deficiencies; the happiness resides in how you deal with your spouse’s deficiencies. And my wife has dealt dutifully.

DIFINING THE WORD 'MARRIAGE'

2009-01-04T23:30:00.000+05:30

A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then it's too late.
FRANK SINATRA

In literature the plagiarism, copying of others’ work, is the disease almost every writer has contacted at one or another time. When you copy from one person, it is plagiarism. But if you copy form five persons’ works, then it is called the research.

So this morning I was doing the research. And the subject of my research was, ‘Why the happiness is illusory in a married life’. I desired to find out the exact definition of the word"Married Life".

I contacted the persons ranging from William Shakespeare to Lady Diana. They must be knowing something about the married life, I thought.Shakespeare writer-ly fondled his fingers in his beard, look at the colorful clouds above, and said, “Love is the most beautiful of dreams and the worst of nightmares.”
Shakespeare's reply was like writing a comment on a friend's blog. everything goody goody. However in this field of activities, I found Diana more charming than Shakespeare.
Once asked about her marriage, Diana had said that “Well there were three of us in the marriage so it was a bit crowded.(BBC interview, 1995).

You know sometimes even the building like
Buckingham Palace can be a tight place to accommodate three persons at a time.

Inspired by the thoughtful answer by Lady Diana, I went on for more dependable opinions from those of who had proven record of success.
Being mesmerized by Sigmund Freud’s intelligence, I sought his guidance about the nature of marriages. I sometimes think that why most of the intelligent men preferred to have long beards. Though I have never grown a beard. Nor I have asked Salman Rushdie, either about the beards or about marriages. But Sigmund Freud was simple. He said: The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?''

To be very frank, I am not as ignorant as Freud in this branch of knowledge. I know much about the wants of women, especially the woman with whom I have been tied forever. I know that a life after marriage is like bathing in a hot water pool; once you are accustomed to it, it is not so hot.

I was not fully contended yet. So desiring more scientific basis for happiness in married life I find our Albert Einstein. On why the married men and women feel cheated and disappointed he said that it is because," Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hopping they will not."

At last I consulted Oxford Dictionary as it is the sole savior of mine, when I feel myself blind in respect of meaning of any the word. Here what it says, Marriage : (is) Legally recognized personal union entered into by a man and a woman usu.
with the intention of living together and having sexual relations, and entailing property and inheritance rights;
the condition of being a husband or wife;
the relation between persons married to each other.
I think this is too much; I mean this definition covers so many things.
Let me stop my research.

I request all of my readers to help my research and educate me about their own experiences while being IN or OUT of the castle called Married Life. I would love much to know the secrets of those men and women who have courageously jumped out of the castle and regained their God-giftedfreedom.

Those who are still unmarried and happy are free to put their sighs as comments. And those who are married, please tell about your hardships only and avoid putting in the sighs, otherwise the comment box would be wet with the tears.

I am hopeful that my reader friends would surely help my research for finding the most wanted definition of the word'Marriage'.

(Photos : Courtesy Google)

MARRIAGE: AN EXPRESS HIGHWAY, THE MOTORWAY LEADING TO A POINT OF NO RETURN

2009-01-04T23:25:00.000+05:30

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. But my Venus, the Goddess of love, my wife, runs with the hands of clock.

Before these parting moments, there occur fighting moments.
“Would you go now in bathroom? Where is you towel, eh?” she was really in hurry one day. But I had an idea to show how I was feeling. So I told her to look at my towel.

She did a gesture of throwing the idli-making plate in her hand into the sink, and without looking at the whole word went in bath. Then overtaking my first right to occupy the bath, she went into it. I was still in my newspaper-rich table. And she had her perspiring schedule on.

I do understand that the time is the factor that is killing our patience. Irrespective of the heat brewing in the atmosphere I continued on the newspapers. After a short period my wife came out of bath. Looking at her and her mood, represented by her hairstyle, I was fainted.

Before starting our offices’ journey I asked her in slow voice, “Do you really think that I am a complete stupid?”

She moved her lips in the arresting style of smiling and said, “No dear, you are not a complete stupid. Some parts are still missing.”

Though it is not the case that our life-car is not running satisfactorily. It is running anyway. But the balance is strategically unfavorable to me. You know, to be on the road, a vehicle should have some sane set of running ideas. We have strange set of the apparatuses that keep our life-car moving. Look at our life-car running wild on the road.

My married-ness has one abnormal side effect, too. It has increased my social value, up to an extent. Though I had done nothing to enhance my profile. But the people now think that I am a man of experiences, rather a man of strange experiences. They sometimes like my unusual findings from the life. One of my findings from my life is that : A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. And a successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Thus whenever any bachelor comes for my strictly personal advice, at the outset I say that the secret of a happy marriage would remain a secret forever. When he asks about the cost of the project called 'marrying', I take a long distance sigh and tell that, "I don't know man, because I am still paying the same."

I do believe that only a fool or a philosopher can suggest something firm about the marriages. I am not a philosopher, but I tell the inquiring man to marry soon. Because I believe that it is bliss; it is the strongest gateway to happiness. There will be greeneries all around you. You will feel that you are almost in the sky. It is an express highway. But mind well!!! There is no point of return.

However my life does not run wild for whole of the day. We come late at home. Such are our jobs. But my wife follows a strange routine to enter the home at evenings. While entering the home, she follows a ritual in three stages: she would kick the door first, throw her purse away on a table; and finally she would stand in the middle of drawing room, tossing her sandals in any corner—preferably the distant one.

The door, the purse, and the sandals have never complained about this routine. Nor do I complain. It is because I know that my wife’s work is more laborious than me, and her office supervisor is a man of crack ideas. Hence she looks torn and tired when we reach at home.

I take hurried shower and make tea for her and coffee for me. After placing the tea and biscuits on table I tell her, “Dear, shall we go to a restaurant of your choice today?”

I would not hurry for the reply. After taking third or fourth sip of the tea and a gentle bite on a biscuit, she would say that, “No dear, I have read a new recipe today. We shall try it at home.”

(Photos: Courtesy Google)

FUNNY TALES OF RETIRED PERSONS

2009-01-03T23:55:00.003+05:30

ONE WORD TO SING

A Minister decided to do something a little different one of the Sunday mornings.

He said, "Today, I am going to say a single word. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out, "Cross."

Immediately the congregation started singing, "The Old Rugged Cross."

The Pastor said, "Grace."

The crowd began singing, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."

The Pastor yelled, "Power..."

The responded singing, "There is Power in the Blood."

The Pastor uttered, "Sex..."

The congregation fell into silence. Everyone was in shock. They began to look around at each other, finding no clue to sing..

Suddenly, from the back bench, a lady of 87, a grandmother, stood up and, in a tiny quavering voice, began to sing, "Precious Memories."

OTHER JOKES ABOUT OLD AGE PERSONS

RETIRED MAN'S LIFE : LIVING IN A PAVILION

THE OLD ACQUAINTANCE

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.

She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

RETIRED MAN'S LIFE : LIVING IN A PAVILLION

2009-01-03T23:50:00.000+05:30

AUTHOR : NAVAL LANGA

I have heard a proverb. Think Before you speak and consult an old man before you write. So before I started writing this article I had tried to consult men and women above fifty. I can find many men. I am yet to hear from a lady above fifty.

''Honestly, I feel like a newborn baby. I've got no hair, I have no teeth, and I just start crying without reason.'' That must be the trademark of this group of gentlemen and gentle women, not the crying in fact but speaking about everything with high profile anger. However you don’t need be extra talented for knowing your age. When the hair start thinning,teeth start falling, and the ladies start trusting you, then you have past fifty: take it granted. CONTINUE READING>>>>

DOCTORS' JOKES

2009-01-02T23:59:00.003+05:30

Nurse (Image courtesy wikimedia commons)

When a male doctor entered a room occupied by partially deaf patient's room, she was feeling sad.

The doctor wanted to check the heartbeats. She put his stethoscope between her two breasts.

"Big breaths...." Doctor instructed.

"Aww doctor, they were sooooo Big in past....." she replied pleasantly.

DOCTORS' JOKES

MY TEETH Vs A DENTIST'S MARKETTING SKILL

O... GOOD DOCTOR ! WHERE ARE YOU?

MY LIFE PARTNER : MY TRYST WITH A DENTIST

SECOND OPINION IS NOT ALWAYS BETTER

The Trains and the Platform.

MY TEETH Vs A DENTIST'S MARKETTING SKILL

2009-01-02T23:55:00.001+05:30

AUTHOR : NAVAL LANGA

My wife is very proud of her cost-cutting virtue. One more example would be a sufficient proof. Last month one of my lower teeth had revolted and had decided to go out of my mouth. Hence it had started making its presence painful like a naughy peon in an office. I had to go to a dentist for removing and fixing a tooth.

She was with me like the shadow of a big tree.

As the dentist took a fork in his hand, I feared that he would make my mouth-opening wider than the God had designed for me. Before proceeding further he said, “It would cost Rs. 5000.”

Before I speak anything my wife asked him, “Can’t you make the bill reasonable?”

“Yes, ma’am. I can fix three teeth in just Rs. 10,000,” the dentist was a good salesman, too. The dentist is a person before whom the greatest and the strongest of the men lose teeth.

O... GOOD DOCTOR ! WHERE ARE YOU?

2009-01-02T23:50:00.000+05:30

AUTHOR : NAVAL LANGA

There are two great clans of humans among us. One is definitely my clan; that is of the lawyers. No one can match the greatness of our clan. You know we are not poor as you think. We have Mahatma Gandhi and Abraham Lincoln with us.

But the other great clan is of the Doctors. They, the doctors, are really great people, all men and women whith white clothes, and mostly with specs of golden frame. If there were no doctors how could have we known the whereabouts of our curable and non-curable diseases?

There are people who regard the doctors as God. But to my mind there is one stupid difference between the God and the doctors. The God has never believed that he is a doctor. (Sorry I don't know exactly that whether God is He or she. But we found doctors in both the sexes.)

Sometimes these godmen, the doctors, too, are caught in a cage. One of my friends had a little difficulty for two days and had gone to a doctor.
He complained that ," Doctor, I find difficulty in passing urin. Can you help me?"
"Do you drink Wine?"
"Yes, doctor."
"Stop it. You will find no difficulty. It would be easy to pass the urin."
"Doctor, in that case it would not be easy for me to pass a pub."

It is not the only difficulty with the doctors that their handwritings are almost chaotic. It's very hard to understand what they tell the patients, too. Once a family doctor said to my friend that, "Look Mr. Shah, at this moment I can not say exactly what is your problem. It is due to drinking of wine, perhaps."
"OK, doctor, I would come again when you are not drunk."

MY LIFE PARTNER : MY TRYST WITH A DENTIST

2009-01-02T23:45:00.001+05:30

Author : Naval Langa

I could have been a dental hygienist with nothing bad ever appearing in print about me. - Julia Roberts

During married life we have to do a score of attempts to have a peaceful life. In fact the Marriage is an attempt to solve problems that a man wouldn’t have had in the first place; if he would have stayed single !!

To be very frank, I was passing through a very bad time, before my marriage. Then a woman of strong will and prudent administration of household came in my life. She stood with me like a rock until we tamed the storm and finally defeated the same. The woman is my wife.

There is nothing more blissful in one's life than the co-operation received from his or her spouse. But you know, everything has a price. Higher the gain: higher the price !!

My life partner, my wife, remains always alert in cutting the extra costs. Last year, after finding herself turning from fat to fatter, she was worrying much. I still do not understand why the innocent fat gathering around their waists, the hands, legs, and et cetera bother the women so much. But it bothered my wife.

The days came when she had to use soap for getting her golden bangles off. Cost-conscious is she; so for cutting the cost of the soap, she had resolved to have a new pair of the golden bangles. You know, the married life is not costly at all.

She is very proud of her cost-cutting virtue. One more example would be a sufficient proof. Last month one of my lower teeth had revolted and had decided to go out of my mouth. Hence it had started making its presence painful like a naughty peon in an office. I had to go to a dentist for removing and fixing a tooth.

She was with me like the shadow of a big tree.

As the dentist took a fork in his hand, I feared that he would make my mouth-opening wider than the God had designed for me. Before proceeding further he said, “It would cost Rs. 5000.”

I tried to say something. But the dentists are incapable of asking questions that can be replied in yes or no answer. So I was seized by the confused silence.

Before I speak anything my wife asked him, “Can’t you make the bill reasonable?”

“Yes, ma’am. I can fix three teeth in just Rs. 10,000,” the dentist was a good salesman, too. The dentist is a person before whom the greatest and the strongest of the men lose teeth.

Cost-conscious is my wife: so she had decided to buy the three-teeth package for me.

Resultantly I have to lose extra two teeth. But she was pleased, as she had managed to snatch a prudent deal from a hard professional like a dentist. I think this story provides a fit case for a script of a Bollywood film.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. -- A Quote.

SECOND OPINION IS NOT ALWAYS BETTER

2009-01-02T23:40:00.002+05:30

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at their breakfast table.

"You aren't so good in bed either!" The doctor shouted and stormed off to his dispensary

.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer?" The doctor was polite.
"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?" Doctor was baffled.
"I was trying to have a second opinion." Wife said.

DOCTOR JOKES: The Trains and the Platform.

2009-01-02T23:35:00.000+05:30

A doctor was having sweet relationship with his nurse. Once the lady told him that she was pregnant. He advised the nurse to go to a distant city and have the baby. He gave him adequate money and an advice not to let his wife to know anything about their relationship.

"But how would you know that the baby is born?"

"Okay, just send me a telegram and write --the thrain has left platform number one."

The necessary months passed and one hot afternoon the doctor's wife called him on clinic. "Oh, ddear, there is one telegram. I can not understand the language. "

The doctor was baffled, as the telegram was to come at the clinic and not at home.

He rushed to home and read the telegram.

On reading it he simply fell on the floor, as if there was a heart attack. Immediately he was shifted to another doctors hospital for the treatne.

"What happened, Dear?" The wife was still ignorant about the facts.

"Nothing dear. The telegram is meant for a railway station master and not for me. " The doctor took a long breath and said.

In fact the telegram read as : 'One train has left from platform number one. Second train has left from platform number one. The third train has left from platform number one and the forth train has left from platform number one. The platform is now empty but feeling too painful'.

LAWYER JOKES

2009-01-01T23:59:00.002+05:30

"The one great principle of English law is to make business for itself."

Charles Dickens.

CRITICAL STAGES IN A LAWYER'S LIFE : HUMOUR

THE VICTIME OF THE MURDER IS ALIVE, MY LORD !!

DEFENDING THE LAWYERS IS NOT AN EASY TASK

HEAT OR DUST : LAWYERS WILL BE THERE

WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE IN GOD, Mr. BLACK COAT?

WHAT DOES A WOMAN LOSE IN MARRYING A MAN?

IN DEFENCE OF MY ‘BLACK COAT’ BROTHERS AND SISTERS

Rich Man Never Goes to Jail

CRITICAL STAGES IN A LAWYER'S LIFE : HUMOUR

2009-01-01T23:51:00.000+05:30

AUTHOR : NAVAL LANGA

My well-furnished office and the books, everything purchased from my hard savings, were yet to see the face of first client. At the end of first week I had one. He must have been sent by one of my friends.

He was a man of twenty-five, and looked as a young man in despair would look: staring at everything, eyes unblinking, and the perspiration irregular

Before he settled in a chair, before I asked him anything about his legal purpose, he spoke hurriedly, "Sir, I want divorce from my wife. Can you help me?" At the moment I felt as if I am a grocery trader and the 'Divorce' was on my selling list.

After gulping a full glass of water he belched his story.

It was short and partly unbelievable. He said he really did not know why he was living with his wife. An usual husband and wife tussle. From his talks I could gather that the guy had a wrong upbringing. His parents were responsible for his line of thinking, perhaps.

Being only issue of his parents when he demanded bicycle, his parents gave him; when he demanded bike, the parents gave him; when he demanded a wife, the parents gave him. Now he demanded divorce. He had no experience of hearing 'no'.

The sum total of his demanding divorce was not very difficult to understand. As per his version of the story his marriage was traveling through the hell. But the simple issue was that his wife was serving in a private establishment and used to come late.

Mine was the first experience with a client seeking legal help. But the virtues of a good man were still in my heart, as I was an inexperienced lawyer. You know, the lawyers too have hearts. I decided to help the man in right manner. I talked with him for an hour or so and got him agreed to come after one week and that to along with his wife.

One day, at a certain corner of the city, while going to court, I saw him in a maternity hospital. A woman, visibly beautiful and seemingly wiser than the guy, was stepping down the staircase. He was helping her to climb down. They might have come for some check-ups, perhaps

The young man recognized me from a distance. The black coat has its own advantages, too. But he simply smiled. I, too, simply smiled. The brief encounter ended with his broad smile.

One year passed.

It was a fine evening. I was with my wife, sitting on a garden bench. The bench was wooden and our faces were unpleasant for unknown reasons. We husband and wife hardly need a reason to be unhappy. So that was not an exceptional day.

I suddenly spotted that couple. The man who was desperately seeking divorce was looking happy beyond recognition. They were engaged with their child.

After a while they came at us. The man introduced me to his wife and told about when and why we had met first time. The young woman was more mature than her age. She talked with my wife and our unpleasantness too ran way.

When the couple went away I thought about the day when he came to meet me. Had I been greedy for my fees, had I encouraged the angry young man, the scene would have been unhappily different. The society would have been slightly poorer.

WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE IN GOD, Mr. BLACK COAT?

2009-01-01T23:50:00.002+05:30

Author : Naval Langa

Once you accept the existence of God-however you define him,

however you explain your relationship to him

-then you are caught forever with his

presence... -Morris West

When anyone asks you, ‘Do you believe in God?’ Your answer would not be as simple as a handshake or as heart breaking as a doctor’s bill.

(Image Courtesy Wikimedia Commons)

First you would look at the crazy questioner, especially at his/her clothes for arriving at from which land he/she comes. And then would start guessing about her/his mental status. After being satisfied about the questioner’s non-violent purpose you would say, “Yes,” generally.

You would say “Yes” because you do believe that you believe in God!

But for me it’s a matter of large confusion, or a provocative ambiguity sometimes. As I am an advocate, all the religious minded friends of mine consider it their sacred duty to convert me into their army of astikas (theists). While sitting in office or sipping tea in canteen, they ask me a spear-straight question: Why don’t you believe in God? (It makes me more painful when the tea is ordered by me) But I had ignored smilingly in my youth years, the years when you take even the most serious things quite lightly. But as the age grows, you know, the patience start crumbling. It has started in my case, too. So here in this article, I would try to search for an answer for a question about the God’s existence. Wish me a good luck. Read Further>>>>

Mr. BLACK-COAT, WHY DON’T YOU BELIEVE IN GOD?

2009-01-01T23:49:00.003+05:30

Author : Naval Langa

Continued from previous page ... First of all, I would not base my belief on other persons asking or on any other thing like the fear of being sided out. You know, if these people find you on the other bank of the river, you would be sided out as aliens; they would not look at you in the temples, in the mosques, in the churches, in theatres, in gambling places, in pubs and in… everywhere. Moreover, if you are a non-believer in God, you would feel yourself like a patient, attending the doctor’s conference: every one in the surround looking at you with an inquiring eyes, and would like to do some curing for you.

Our belief in God’s existence is not free from our worldly colours. The belief, I suppose, is dependent upon the fringe benefits it allows us to enjoy. Take the case of the promise of heaven. The theists seriously believe that they have booked their plots in heaven where they would build a hut of their own. In case these people, the plot holders, are convinced that there is no heaven at the end of the journey, then I am sure that there would be more floor crossing than it is witnessed in India’s parliament now a day.

To my mind the greed for the heaven is as ancient as the tastes of our tongues; and we are as wise as we were in the days when it was believed that the diseases are the result of the God’s displeasure. And the God was believed to be allotting space in the hell of heaven as per his whims (or her whims, as I don’t know whether the God is male or female). But, you know, the changes occur; the developments are everywhere. The space known a ‘Hell’ cannot remain untouched by the modernity. So the present day hell should not be so uncomfortable, I think. If you live in metros, you need not be afraid of the inconveniences of the hell, as the hell certainly would not be as difficult to live in as it is in Mubai or Kolkatta.

So my thinking about the God and the ‘Hell’ is adequately dynamic.

When I had studied Charles Darwin in my school, I had a period of faith in my teachers who said that the man is final product of a long process of evolution. And from that I carved out a conclusion that there was no room for God’s involvement in human life. Hence in my early twenties, I was classified as a qualified atheist; and due to that virtue I was welcomed as a man of the modern thoughts.

(Image Courtesy Wikimedia Commons). READ FURTHER>>>>>

LAWYERS BELIEVING IN GOD

2009-01-01T23:48:00.000+05:30

Theme: Humour, Religious beliefs, Lawyers.

Continued from previous page... Even the subsequent events in my life confirmed my disbelief about the heavenly presences. It made me believing that ‘even if there is a settlement like heave somewhere, say beyond Himalayas, it is extremely mishandled like our government offices’. Let me give an example. People believe that the pair of a husband and a wife is made in heaven. I doubt it. After my marriage, I firmly believe that there is huge malfunctioning in the heaven, at least in the matchmaking department.

Before some time, my wife and I were passing through a bridge on river where we saw a woman with her child of three or so, both crying. When we asked her she said she had no money for her daughters medicines, and the daughter was burning in fever. So we took her to a near by doctor’s clinic, arranged the required medicines.

After one week, the woman came to our home. Somehow she had fond out our address, as we live in the riverside society. She had come to thank us for the help. While talking she started crying and told my wife and me that, “You are like God for me. You saved my daughter’s life. God bless you.” While taking God’s name she was feeling like, I suppose, that the God was residing next to her hutments. After taking tea, she went away.

After she went out my wife caught me. “You see, these people are happy because they believe in God,“ she said like quoting Pythagoras. And pointing her authoritative palm at me she asked, “And Mr. Black-coat (Lawyer), why don’t you believe in God?”

I was going to reply that, “Does it make any difference for God?” But as usual I decided not to proceed further, because it’s better not to start a war that you are going to lose certainly.

The fact is that I am still unaware of the whereabouts of the God. So I humbly request all of my friends to help me in this line. If you know anything about the God, let it be shared with me. Please tell me something about God if you have come in contact with the God, say through the means of telephones, SMSs, or personal notes. The emails, too, will do. (Image Courtesy Wikimedia Commons)

THE VICTIM OF THE MURDER IS ALIVE, MY LORD !!

2009-01-01T23:47:00.000+05:30

-By Naval Langa

A noted criminal defense lawyer was making his closing argument for his client accused of murder, although the body of the victim had never been found. The lawyer dramatically turned to the courtroom's clock and, pointing to it, announced, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have some astounding news. I have found the supposed victim of this murder to be alive! In just ten seconds, she will walk through the door of this courtroom."

A heavy quiet suddenly fell over the courtroom as everyone waited for the dramatic entry. But nothing happened.

The smirking lawyer continued, "The mere fact that you were watching the door, expecting the victim to walk into this courtroom, is clear proof that you have far more than even a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed." Tickled with the impact of his cleverness, the cocky lawyer confidently sat down to await acquittal. The jury was instructed, filed out, and filed back in just ten minutes with a guilty verdict.

When the judge brought the proceedings to an end, the dismayed lawyer chased after the jury foreman: "Guilty? How could you convict? You were all watching the door!"

"Well," the foreman explained, "Most of us were watching the door. But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn't watching the door."

(Image courtesy Wikimedia Commons)

DEFENDING THE LAWYERS IS NOT AN EASY TASK

2009-01-01T23:40:00.001+05:30

AUTHOR : NAVAL LANGA

We the lawyers are bound to wear the black coats. And the colour of the coat is in no way a reliable indicator of our nature. (Image Courtesy Wikimedia Commons)

There are two great clans of humans on the earth. Unquestionably, the first is my clan; the most intelligent people in the world (I believe so. And we, the lawyers hardly consider other’s opinion as true).

Though we the advocates are born honest men and women, the hallmark of dishonesty is attached with us unceremoniously. But no: I do not subscribe to such rumours.

The reason behind such a misconception is that the people’s minds are full of memories; and ironically they never forget their experiences with the advocates.Otherwise their memories are genuinely weak. For example the men forget the faces of those pundits, mullahs,and the fathers in the churches who had made them married; the women forget their butcher-like nannies who had pierced their ears in childhood. People forget about the cyclones; and they forget about the earthquakes of high velocity. They are ‘powderly soft’ to all these happenings.

But they never forget their small experiences with the innocent advocates. CONTINUE READING>>>>

HEAT OR DUST : LAWYERS WILL BE THERE

2009-01-01T23:35:00.004+05:30

AUTHOR : NAVAL LANGA

I am a lawyer. And I think it is my first hand right to say something about lawyers. Though it is unwritten rule that only a lawyer would write about the lawyers, as we hardly allow others to speak, especially against us. Before I say anything North and South, let me tell you that people really love us. They like us.And on many occasions they prefer us to others. I think you would not believe this one. OK. Here is one proof of it.

Once a gentleman was asked. “Suppose you are with Adolph Hitler, hungry tiger, and a lawyer. And you are given a gun with two bullets in it. Then whom will you save?”

The Gentleman immediately replied, “I will shoot the lawyer twice.”

That’s pity. Ours is the age of misunderstandings. You know, people have several misconceptions about our tribe.They say that the advocates take huge fees and they make money as fast as the hungry bullocks eat grass. Don’t believe in such rumours. Everything is for misguiding the people, especially our potential clients. We are straightforward people, very straight and very forward. Though our uniform is of dark colour, we hardly keep our clients in dark. We, the lawyers, talk directly and we like clarity.

Take a page from the book of my own life. It was the day of my early practice. There came a bank manager in my office and talked about the cases to be filed by his bank.

“What will be your fees, sir?” He was a rational man.

“If you pay at a time it would be two lac thirty thousand. Only. And if you want to pay in monthly instalments, it would be twenty instalments of Rs. 12444.”

“Do you accept fees in EMI, too?”

“No. My car financier accepts so.”

Next week I had a new car. You know, the clarity works. Read Further>>>>

(Image courtesy Wikimedia Commons)

WHAT DOES A WOMAN LOSE IN MARRYING A MAN?

2009-01-01T23:25:00.007+05:30

A senior lady advocate was asking her client woman, while sitting in a proper human environment. The client lady wanted to sue her husband for divorce and alimony.

“What have you lost?”

“I lost my four years of life: I washed his house, I cleaned his floors, I cooked for him.”

“You should demand pay for the same.” The lady advocate was bold.

“Madame, I lost my sleep, I lost my peace of mind in the process of being happy with him.”

“Okay, Anything you lost in the process?”

“My virginity, Madame.”

(Image Courtesy Wikimedia Commons)

*********

DIGGING THE GRAVE

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Husband was yelling at his wife.

The people listening him believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours.

The yelling husband died suddenly under strange circumstances. His funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

The pleasure in her actions actions was becoming extreme when her neighbors approached. they asked her, "Are you not afraid of your dead husband? He practiced black magic and told all of us that when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife was calm and cool. She put down her hard drink and said, "Let the fool dig his grave. I had him buried upside down."

IN DEFENCE OF MY ‘BLACK COAT’ BROTHERS AND SISTERS

2009-01-01T23:20:00.001+05:30

AUTHOR : NAVAL LANGA

Continued from page one.. The manner in which people remember us is also a strange one. It is in no way a comfortable one. They think that the advocates are acting like a wild cat sitting on the chest of its prey. And every time, the cat leaves its prey, it leaves it with spilling blood. Poor misguided people!

Here I would argue in favour of, and stand firmly in support of, all of my brothers and sisters who wear the black coats by their noble choices and out of neat dedication.

Look at our dedication. It is beyond doubt that in courtrooms we argue for the welfare of our clients. Since most of our arguments are prepaid, we hardly look at the length and importance of our oratory.

We are not like other professionals, say like the doctors. There is one striking difference between the lawyers and the doctors. That is the billing system of the doctors. In the matter of billing, the doctors are hugely pitiless. Even we, the advocates, feel ashamed after seeing their fatty bills.

Once I had got some injury in my left leg. I had missed some steps of our staircase. (I would not speak about what was the real reason to miss the steps. I hardly share the secrets of my married life.)

Anyway I have to contact a doctor. Though ashamed a little bit, my wife also accompanied me. She was really worrying now for just a gentle push she had applied on me out of her regular anger.

"Doctor, would he be able to walk on his feet?" She asked.

"Yes, he will. Don't worry, Ma'am."

And the doctor proved himself right.

I am now on my feet. I have to sell my car to pay the doctor's bill.

Moreover when a doctor’s patients are cured, they are in fact damaged beyond repair due to the feet-long bills they have paid.

But whenever a lawyer’s client wins, he or she wins a lot. Say when a lady wins her case for a divorce. By winning the case she wins, freedom. She wins a ticket to be happy without her husband; she wins an opportunity of deciding about when to awake in the morning and when to go for sleep at night. She is now not required to count her husband’s salary and smell his shirt to decide the exact source of the smell. After winning her case, she only loses her bank balance. You know, the advocates charge very reasonable fees.

Moreover, we do not indulge ourselves in anything that shortens our client’s lifespan. We sincerely believe that our client should not die of heart attack or like that. We wish their long life; long enough to pawn their ornaments, sell their houses; and even after that they should have sufficient money for their urgent needs. [To have money for purchasing means for committing suicide is an urgent need.]

Here is an example how the lawyers cooperate their clients.

One of my senior advocates has done it in a marvellous manner.

Before many years, a young lady came to my advocate friend. The client lady had fallen out of love for her husband. You know, till the day two lovebirds sing a common song of love, they fly together in sky; and at the end of a day they rest in a common nest. But when they take different routes to fly, they end in two different ne(s)ts of two advocates. Thus that client lady, after falling out of love, was deeply engaged in fighting an ongoing chakravyuh of marital disputes.

My friend, a senior lady advocate, asked her, “Madame, what do you want from your husband?”

“I would like to be his widow, instead of being a divorcee,” she said. The angry wife was neither weak in her decision nor miser in paying the required fees. Resultantly my senior friend led her case in various courts in such a way that the lady client succeeded in becoming widow in due course.

Passing the time period of decades is not a very difficult issue for an experienced lawyer. So such are our commitments to the causes of our clients.

I am sure that no one can match the greatness of the lawyers. You know, we are not poor as people think. We have great names like Mahatma Gandhi and Abraham Lincoln with us. They were lawyers.

LAWYER JOKES : Rich Man Never Goes to Jail

2009-01-01T23:15:00.001+05:30

A man came down from his Audi car and enters his lawyer’s office.

“Sir, I do not want to go into jail,” he pleaded to the lawyer, as he had embezzled millions of dollars.

“What is inconvenient in jail?” the lawyer smiled.

“Sir, I have lot of money to spend now. I want to enjoy my life.”

“Okay, I arrange that you, the rich man, would not go into jail.”

The lawyer proved himself right, as when his client went into jail, he was not rich. Everything was wiped out of his pocket meanwhile.

The Principle : Crime does not pay; but it enriches the lawyers.

REASON d'ETRE OF MY FREE FALLING INTO THE HUMOROUS WRITING

2008-12-26T23:29:00.006+05:30

AUTHOR : NAVAL LANGA

I do not know why I have started writing humorous articles. And no one would dare to consider me a jolly person (look at my profile photo). But it must be the by-product of a statement that I have read before one month. It says that ‘The readers pick up an article to be entertained, and not to be lectured’.

At first sight it seems that to be humorous is not so difficult, except you are dealing with Japanese audience. The Japanese are believed to be rock-hard in the matter of smiling. Laughing is totally banned in their country, perhaps. If you are an on-stage artist, like a mimicry artist or so, they will not smile even if you commit suicide on the stage.

But the audience attending humour is generous. Sometimes they start responding before the artist starts performing. Yes, it happens in case of poets, especially. You know, these people, this grim-faced clan of the poets, entertain less by their poetry and more by their strange clothes they put on. One long and white colour pyjama would hide their cigarette-like legs; and a fairly discoloured kurta would wrap the insignificant rest. On their faces, nothing would appeal the onlookers as their betel-friendly lips. Finally, the luxuriously spread hair would be a sufficient stock for a newly-wed pair crows to make their nest.

So this caste of the poets enjoys people much by their appearance. CONTINUE READINAG>>>>>

Funny card tickles police chief

2008-12-22T10:04:00.000+05:30

A chief constable is said to have seen the funny side of a satirical Christmas card depicting problems faced by his force in the last 12 months.

Richard Brunstrom was so pleased with the cartoon-style card that he is having it framed and hung in North Wales Police's headquarters.

It depicts the chief trying to "break in" to the HQ at Colwyn Bay, Conwy, and the moment the building caught fire. The card has been produced by the North Wales Police Federation.

During the last 12 months the force, and its controversial chief constable, has attracted more than its fair share of headlines.

In December 2007, the force claimed Mr Brunstrom had been "testing security" when he tried to break in to police HQ. However, a Freedom of Information request later revealed he climbed in through an open window because his key fob was not working.

'Just peachy'

The Christmas card also shows a horse box with a camera pointing from it - a reference to the revelation in March 2008 that police were using covert methods to catch speeding motorists.

Among other incidents, the card also captures the moment the force's HQ caught on fire in April, causing "substantial damage" to the roof. In another scene, a police officer is seen standing in front of a North Wales Police slogan saying: "Everything is just peachy."

RAISON d’etre OF MY FREE FALL INTO HUMOROUS BLOGGING AND WRITING

2008-11-28T01:36:00.003+05:30

HOW I FAILED TO BE A MUSICIAN

2008-11-16T11:35:00.003+05:30

It was the days of my early youth. In the coterie of the friends I belonged, there were boys who were players of one of another musical instruments. They knew playing violin, drums or harmonium. Most of these instrument-players were level-headed and sane persons. And the rest were poets.

I was the only person who belonged to neither of the sub-sections. Sometimes I thought that I was an old truck standing among a pool of new brand cars. I felt myself as an odd man among them. Hence I wanted to be like them. In doing so I had one genuine problem. I did not want to be a poet.

In fact I feared that were I started writing poems, my family members would not bear me even for a month, and they would send me to an asylum. Previously they had done so in the case of my ‘poet’ uncle; after suffering him and his poems for a period of six months. Initially they had tried certain mind-pacifying medicines, hoping for the revival of his sanity. Ultimately when my uncle had started writing long lyrics on my maternal aunt’s legs, they had transported him--first to a hospital, and finally to an asylum.

So to be honest, I feared to be a poet.

Driven by the innocent desire of becoming equal among other friends, and not allowing them to call me a man of ‘no interest’, I had decided to learn playing some musical instrument. The musical instruments are non-violent articles; and I did not know anyone being sent to hospital for loving the music. CONTINUE READING>>>>

REASON d'ETRE OF MY FREE FALLING IN HUMOROUS WRITING

2008-10-28T17:08:00.000+05:30

AUTHOR : NAVAL lANGA

Such facilities are not granted to the writers. We are supposed to entertain the people only by the words of dictionary only. If you are a blogger, then you have one extra facility. You can take a free fall from the dictionary. No problem. I have heard that after the unprecedented spread of the blogging habit among young boys and girls, the sale of dictionaries has decreased up to the bottom level. But for the writers, the eleventh commandment to honour the age-old dictionary is still in operation. Otherwise a proverb like “A failed writer makes a good blogger” would have not been formulated.

I don’t know whether my writings entertain the readers or not. But I am very much jealous about the film stars. I envy and even disapprove the instant publicity the films actors get. People turn pleasant on just seeing them shirtless. Can a writer do such things? I think we can’t enjoy the people without keeping our shirts on.

And the poor women writers (women bloggers included) do not have a single facility like the actresses enjoy on screen. The God have gifted beauty of the limbs to these actresses. Good. The problem is not there. The problem starts when some of the pious actresses start thanking God for that. They generously show these gifts to us, saying that, ‘See, how the almighty God is generous to us’.

Though I have read that the sale and popularity of a lady writer’s books correspond with the fairness of her skin and the topographical features of her face and et cetera, which she liberaly shows in her public photographs. But I do not subscribe to this theory, because a writer entertains their readers only when she or he delivers a good writings.

I have heard that till the day a cow has strength in her horns, she does not wear a ringing bell. With a slight difference, it can be said that till the day a writer is effective by his/her serious writings, he/she does not enter into the field of humour. Writing of the humorous pieces is like wearing a bell to attract the attention of people. People would laugh; people would look at you humorously; and they would stop taking you seriously.

I have decided to write humorously: I have decided to wear the bell.

The Critical Stages of a Lawyer's Life

2008-10-27T18:06:00.001+05:30

By NAVAL LANGA, published Oct 14, 2008

FIRST STAGE

In those days, I was a novice among the crowd of lawyers. My colleagues, the men with hidden smiles and greying hair, and the women with hidden smiles and dyed hair, were yet a decipherable lot for me. And as they all remained wrapped in black outfits, I was unable to identify them as either friends or foes. My heart was sinking on thinking that I was to be opponents to all those ladies and gentlemen in blacks.

My well-furnished office and the books, everything purchased from my hard savings, were yet to see the face of first client. At the end of first week I had one. He must have been sent by one of my friends.

He was a man of twenty-five, and looked as a young man in despair would look: staring at everything, eyes unblinking, and the perspiration irregular. Read More>>>>

DO YOU TRAVEL WITH YOUR WIFE? GOD BLESS YOU!

2008-10-15T07:30:00.000+05:30

THE ROAD TO KEDARNATH -- IN HIMALAYAN RANGE , INDIA

(Photo: courtesy google)

I do not like travelling much. What I dislike is the railways’ angry engines, whistling as if they are warning the whole universe to remain away from their way. Though I like to look at the coolies who wear red shirt matching their temper; who take labour charges equal to the half price of your luggage; and who drink country wine that makes them smiling at every one they see. But I dislike travelling. During vacation period what I wish is the successive cups of tea with half a dozen Sunday papers on my table.

Though it invites my wife’s high-pitched anger, I always keep my teacups on a newspaper. And as the fume from teacup goes higher, I keep looking at the rising fume. With that fume my thoughts about the current affairs of country goes higher and higher. (Had I been a smoker, my thinking would have been of much higher level.) But before I settle on any concrete idea on the news I read, my better half would find out a reason to drag me out of my stance.

“In this vacation we will go at a hill station.” She unfolded her resolution. She is very cost-conscious while spending money. So she is economical in using the words, too. In very few words and short sentences she talks. You know, the bullets have no big sizes.

On hearing her, at first, I did not come out of my brain-business; but on hearing the word ‘hill-station’, I began to think about how challenging it is to make a station on a hill. You know, it’s called the law of association. Like, whenever we recall our primary school days, we remember the head master’s stick. So whenever I hear my wife’s travel plans, I remember the word ‘challenging’.

Soon I had to come down on the earth, leaving the situations and conditions of country there in the pages of newspapers. But I was sure she would decide on a good but comparatively cheaper destination.

She remains always alert in cutting the extra costs. Last year, after finding herself turning from fat to fatter, she was worrying much. I still do not understand why the innocent fat gathering around their waists, the hands, legs, and et cetera bother the women so much. But it bothered my wife. The days came when she had to use soap for getting her golden bangles off. Cost-conscious is she; so for cutting the cost of the soap, she had resolved to have a new pair of the golden bangles. You know, the married life is not costly at all.

She is very proud of her cost-cutting virtue. One more example would be a sufficient proof. Last month one of my lower teeth had revolted and had decided to go out of my mouth. Hence it had started making its presence painful like a naughy peon in an office. I had to go to a dentist for removing and fixing a tooth.

She was with me like the shadow of a big tree.

As the dentist took a fork in his hand, I feared that he would make my mouth-opening wider than the God had designed for me. Before proceeding further he said, “It would cost Rs. 5000.”

Before I speak anything my wife asked him, “Can’t you make the bill reasonable?”

“Yes, ma’am. I can fix three teeth in just Rs. 10,000,” the dentist was a good salesman, too. The dentist is a person before whom the greatest and the strongest of the men lose teeth.

During last vacation she had decided to convert me, a lawyer by skin, into adharmik (religious) person.

“Shall we go to Kedarnath?”

“Why are you asking me?” Buried under the heap of surprises, I tried to decode her polite-looking query.

“You know, you also have right to say something.” I had never found her voice so liberal, so democratic. Though quite prudently, but she has always embroidered every affair of the household with her authoritative needle.

But before I could exercise my windfall liberty, even for a moment, she raised her hand and said, “Okay, no more discussion. The tickets are booked. “ Order. Order. Order. My right to appeal and dissent was overruled, unquestionably.

Next twenty-four hours passed peacefully. No disputes. Her experienced hands, her exclusive control over the purse, and the good administrative skills she owns did not take much time to get both of us on the railway platform.

Unfortunately the tour was not a good start for us. On very first day of the wee-klong tour to the sacred places, Badrinath and Kedarnath, the muscle pain caught my wife’s right leg. It forced her to take support of my shoulder while climbing steps of a temple, too.

We have to underwent the entire tour with the shoulder-to-shoulder combination. The rest five days were full of ecstasy. It was joy of enjoying the pain and pleasure jointly, as the situation had thrown us back in the days of our youth when we were used to walk hand in hand. Moreover it made both of us to realise that ‘if we can walk with such a shoulder-to-shoulder support, every tour is a pilgrimage; every step put ahead is a step towards happiness; and every word whispered is a song of life’.

But after that episode, if anyone asks my wife about the tour, she would reply that, “If you want to really see your husband’s love for you, then go to Badrinath and Kedarnath.”

After that tour, one noticeable change has also occurred in our life. Now sometimes while walking in a garden, talking about homely matters too, if my wife’s hand goes onto my shoulder, I feel it great. I feel that I am not alone in this world.

And for that I thank Lord Shiva and the pilgrimage to Kedarnath.

CRITICAL STAGES Vs A LAWYER'S LIFE

2008-09-29T12:27:00.003+05:30

FIRST STAGE

In those days I was a novice among the crowd of lawyers. My collegues, the men with hidden smile and greying hair, and the women with hidden smile and dyed hair, were yet a decipherable lot for me. And as they all remained wrapped in black outfits, I was unable to identify them as either friends or foes. My heart was sinking on thinking that I was to be opponents to all those ladies and gentlemen in blacks.

My well-furnished office and the books, evething purchased from my hard savings, were yet to see the face of first client. At the end of first week I had one. He must have been sent by one of my friends.

He was a man of twenty-five, and looked as a young man in despair would look: staring at everything, eyes unblinking, and the perspiration irregular.

Before he settled in a chair, before I asked him anything about his legal purpose, he spoke hurriedly, “Sir, I want divorce from my wife. Can you help me?”

At the moment I felt as if I am a grocery trader and the ‘Divorce’ was on my selling list.

After gulping a full glass of water he belched his story. It was short and partly unbelievable. He said he really did not know why he was living with his wife. An usual husband and wife tussle.

From his talks I could gather that the guy had a wrong upbringing. His parents were responsible for his line of thinking, perhaps. Being only issue of his parents when he demanded bicycle, his parents gave him; when he demanded bike, the parents gave him; when he demanded a wife, the parents gave him. Now he demanded divorce. He had no experience of hearing ‘no’.

The sum total of his demanding divorce was not very difficult to understand. As per his version of the story his marriage was travelling through the hell. But the simple issue was that his wife was serving in a private establishment and used to come late.

Mine was the first experience with a client seeking legal help. But the virtues of a good man were still in my heart, as I was an inexperienced lawyer. You know, the lawyers too have hearts. I decided to help the man in right manner. I talked with him for an hour or so and got him agreed to come after one week and that to along with his wife.

“Look, young man. I will try to settle your issue. Okay?” I assured him.

SECOND STAGE

The assured young man did not turned up for three months.

One day, at a certain corner of the city, while going to court, I saw him in a maternity hospital. A woman, visibly beautiful and seemingly wiser than the guy, was stepping down the staircase. He was helping her to climb down. They might have come for some check-ups, perhaps.

The young man recognized me from a distance. The black coat has its own advantages, too. But he simply smiled. I, too, simply smiled. The brief encounter ended with his broad smile.

THE STAGE OF HAPPINESS

One year passed.

It was a fine evening. I was with my wife, sitting on a garden bench. The bench was wooden and our faces were unpleasant for unknown reasons. We husband and wife hardly need a reason to be unhappy. So that was not an exceptional day.

I suddenly spotted that couple. The man who was desperately seeking divorce was looking happy beyond recognition. They were engaged with their child.

(photos from web)

After a while they came at us. The man introduced me to his wife and told about when and why we had met first time. The young woman was more mature than her age. She talked with my wife and our unpleasantness too ran way.

When the couple went away I thought about the day when he came to meet me. Had I been greedy for my fees, had I encouraged the angry young man, the scene would have been unhappily different. The society would have been slightly poorer.

HEAT OR DUST : LAWYERS WILL BE THERE

2008-09-20T15:09:00.006+05:30

Continued from previous page

But in no way our job is easy. We have to turn hundreds of books, ink out our pens, and get rims of paper typed. We get very much upset when we write a detailed argument of thousands of words and people call it a ‘brief’. Even though we respect the people. Hardly any other professional may be respecting their clients as we do. Whenever we win a case in court we immediately phone our client—no miscall this time. We first laugh a lot and then say that WE have won. By WE, we mean the lawyer and the client.And if we did not win, we say him/her that YOU have lost. You know, everyone saves his/her own skin.

But whenever we win, our client wins a lot. Say when a lady wins her case for a divorce. By winning the case she wins, freedom.She wins a ticket to be happy without her husband; she wins an opportunity of deciding about when to awake in the morning and when to go for sleep at night. She is now not required to count her husband’s salary and smell his shirt if he comes late at night. [He might be working for extended hours in office, but to be vigilant is a virtue.] After winning the case, she only loses her bank balance. You know, the advocates charge very reasonable fees.

Now a day we are not at our best, so far as the repute among the people in general is concerned. But there was time when the lawyers were everything in India. We cannot read the freedom struggle of India without reading about the lawyers. Remember Gandhiji, Jawaharlal Nehru, Sardar Patel, and even Mr. Jinna: they all were lawyers by caste. These all gentlemen have practiced in courts before they had joined the freedom movement. I do not know whether Jawaharlal Nehru had practiced in any court, like his father. But he had written his own testament. It’s the act of an advocate. But these were the men, and some women too, who made us free from the clutches of the foreigner’s rule.

There is another specie of lawyers, too. Look at this gentleman.

There goes a man in a lawyer’s office. “Sir, I want my tenant out of my house.”

“What’s the problem?” The lawyer asked.

“He demands $100. And I will not pay a single cent to him.”

“But my fees will be $100.”

The man pays $100 as fees. Then the advocate immediately goes to the tenant. He gives him the same $100 he has received from his client, the landlord. The tenant agrees to vacate the house. What a virtuous practice.

Name of the lawyer was Mr. Abraham Lincoln.

If you want to be remembered forever, you must have something special in you. We remember our heroes; we remember our virtuous leaders.

No one forgets his/her lawyer, too.

“If there were no bad people there would be no good lawyers” --Charles Dickens

(Image Courtesy Wikimedia Commons)

MY FAMILY : TRAVELLING ON MOUNTAINS

2008-08-19T22:57:00.002+05:30

Author : Naval Langa

"In every house of marriage there's room for an interpreter."-Proverb

I do not like traveling much. What I dislike is the railways’ angry engines, whistling as if they are warning the whole universe to remain away from their way. Though I like to look at the coolies who wear red shirt matching their temper; who take labor charges equal to the half price of your luggage; and who drink country wine that makes them smiling at every one they see. But I dislike traveling. During vacation period what I wish is the successive cups of tea with half a dozen Sunday papers on my table.

During last vacation she had decided to convert me, a lawyer by skin, into a dharmik (religious) person.

“Shall we go to Kedarnath?”

“Why are you asking me?” Buried under the heap of surprises, I tried to decode her polite-looking query.

Unfortunately the tour was not a good start for us.

On very first day of the week-long tour to the sacred places, Badrinath and Kedarnath, the muscle pain caught my wife’s right leg. It forced her to take support of my shoulder while climbing steps of a temple, too.

We have to underwent the entire tour with the shoulder-to-shoulder combination. The rest five days were full of ecstasy. It was joy of enjoying the pain and pleasure jointly, as the situation had thrown us back in the days of our youth when we were used to walk hand in hand. Moreover it made both of us to realize that ‘if we can walk with such a shoulder-to-shoulder support, every tour is a pilgrimage; every step put ahead is a step towards happiness; and every word whispered is a song of life’.

But after that episode, if anyone asks my wife about the tour, she would reply that, “If you want to really see your husband’s love for you, then go to Badrinath and Kedarnath.”